Lately

••I didn't have time to write a blog post today so I went through my drafts & found this that I never published! It's from the end of September & while a lot has changed since then, I think the message is the same thing I would give now. Today I'm grateful for change & for direction from God - I was going through a rough time when I wrote this & today I can proudly say that things are working out! Enjoy(; ••

Hey! It's been a little while! I feel like doing an update because the last month has been quite interesting.

First of all & on a very HAPPY note, we got a dog! His name is Toby Bartholomew Taylor & he's 9 weeks old. He is seriously the cutest thing ever!! He's a goldendoodle, which means he's a mix of a golden retriever and a poodle. Whoever decided to try that combo out was a genius because honestly... look at that.

I have never been a dog person but this little guy is converting me! We got him on Friday & having a puppy is kind of like having a newborn - seriously exhausting but so much fun!

I've also basically spent the month living in a 'flare-up' of CMT (I blogged a little about what CMT is in several of my past posts!). I think going up and down the stairs at school & starting play practice just triggered this reaction in me. I went to an eye specialist a week or two ago and turns out I need surgery on my right eye. I have a weak muscle/a slight lazy eye, and it's actually been affecting my vision the last couple of months. My parents really don't want to drive with me because I can't see the road or signs (; The eye doctor told me that I shouldn't be driving until I get my eye fixed - which stinks because it means I have to put off driver's ed. There's a couple of factors that go into this eye surgery - 1) They are cutting into my eye and that's like risking blindness no matter what, even though it is a tiny chance. Plus there is the fact that if I don't do the surgery at some point, I'm still risking going blind in that eye or seriously losing vision. Realistically there's a slim to none chance that I'll actually go blind, but that doesn't really change the fact that eye surgery sounds scary!! 

2) After the surgery my eye will be 100% bloodshot for anywhere from 1-2 months. That means that anything white in my eye will be red. I Googled pictures and guys, it's scary looking. The eye doctor straight up told me that no one will want to look at me for a couple months there. So that kind of changes when we do it! I could get it done over Christmas break & go to school with it - I turn 16 in February so then I would be able to drive when I actually should be able to! But I would go to school looking like a terrifying monster, & I don't know about you but I'm not really digging that option! I could also wait until the summer to do it, but then I'd have to deal with my vision even longer and put off driving until next August. I'm not too pumped about that either.

Here's the root of all of it though - they think my eye is lazy/weak because of my CMT. Apparently there is a certain type of CMT that can weaken your eye muscles. We aren't for sure that I have that type so I don't know if I want to go blaming it on that yet, buuut the reality is it's affecting more than I thought it would. The possibility of it affecting my eyes and my vision kind of makes me nervous. 

Back to what I was saying about the CMT flare-up - my eye is just a part of that. My calf muscles and my Achilles and my feet just hurt, so much of the time. I can't do the stairs at school so I had to get an elevator key, which so far I've been too stubborn to use. My hands and arms feel like they're on vibrate. My fingers clench sometimes and it feels like I can't pull them back up. I can't get my heel to hit the floor without serious strain, and really I'm just tired all the time.

I have an appointment at Shriner's Hospital in SLC in a couple of weeks, where they have CMT specialists. We're looking into different braces/surgeries/physical therapy - whatever options they have for us. At this point I am definitely willing to try surgery because I've heard good things about the procedure one of the doctors recommended. We would probably just do the eye and one of my leg surgeries around the same time if we decided that was an option. We're also looking at the possibility of homeschooling, because that would be the easiest with these potential surgeries & braces, & I'm really struggling with school right now. I don't really see homeschooling as a giving up option, more of a 'This is better' option. Honestly I'm happy with whatever is best.

And that's what I'm trying to say here - I have some fear. Fear that I can see the reality of the doctor who told me I probably wouldn't be able to walk at some point in my life. Fear of surgeries, and change, and actually having to deal with some things. But above all of that fear, I'm learning to find the faith. I can't do this by myself, and that's where Christ comes in. I truly believe that with Christ, I will be able to walk my whole life - if that's what I'm meant to do. Parts of my path may be tough but I'm learning to not be afraid of those pieces. I honestly have it so good compared to what it could be. Wherever my path takes me is okay, as long as I keep the Lord on my side.

I absolutely love this quote from Women's Conference & I think it's appropriate to end that topic with it!

{DeseretNews.com}

To end on a happier note, I finally finished up my job at the snowie stand 3ish weeks ago. I miss the money but not the job! (; I don't think my life calling is working in a snowie stand unfortunately, but it was a fun opportunity & not a bad way to spend the summer!

I'm also in our high school play - Footloose - & so far so good. I have a love hate relationship with theater but I'm honestly enjoying this one! There are so many good people in the show & I think it'll be a fun production. 

I think that's all on my end! Happy Tuesday & (almost!) happy October!!

-Savannah

God's Plan

If there's one thing I've learned, it's that God is right. Always. His plan is the very best because He can see it all - especially compared to our short-term views. It's so much easier to focus on what we want right now, & not see the long-term consequences of our decisions.

Basically what I'm rambling about is this - trust in God. Wherever you are in life right now, whether you're at the lowest of lows or life is pretty grand for you, turn yourself over to God. I promise His plan for you is better than anything you can envision or create for yourself, & He'll carry you through every step of it.

I've seen this a lot in my own life lately. Let's be honest, if I had it my way I would have kept going to full days of school, stayed in the school play, & ignored anything I was dealing with. Fortunately God intervened & I realized that what I was doing wasn't what I needed to be doing. So I took a big step & switched over to half days. Best decision EVER. And of course it was - it's what the spirit kept telling me to do. Has it been easy? In some ways, yes. Other ways not so much! I had to drop my theater class & I miss it so much more than I thought I would - I seriously ask my friends every day what they did in theater, haha! That's been frustrating to give up something that I genuinely love doing. Same thing with dropping out of the school play - frustrating.

But - when God closes a door, He opens a window(; In this case the window was a play at our community theater. This show doesn't involve any dancing, & with cutting back on school, I'm finally able to handle something like that. I tried out yesterday & I'm so excited to see how it goes. Whether I make it or not, I'm so grateful to God for directing me in a new path & giving me new opportunities, however small they may be. When we're obedient to His will, we'll find our peace!

God's plan may not be exactly what we want it to be. Maybe it's nothing like what we want it to be! And it doesn't come without its trials & sorrows. But I can promise you this - it's the best way. When you're struggling, turn to Him & ask Him what needs to change. Be patient. Trust in the Lord & His timing. Whether today, next week, or 3 years from now, it will all work out - in one way or another!

-Savannah

Learned More Than Lost

"I have learned a lot more than I have lost." -Rachel Stratton

^^I don't know if you guys have heard of Rachel, but if you haven't - read her blog HERE. She was 20 years old & passed away last Sunday after fighting with brain cancer for 3 years. I didn't hear of her story until the day she passed, which is impressive considering her family lives only a little ways from mine. This week I've been reading through her blog. I'm only a year into it but I am so impressed with her spirit. I never had the opportunity to meet her, but through her writing you can feel her courage & strength & faith in and love for Christ. I have never been so impressed with someone.

It's made me think a lot about some of the things I've gone through. I won't pretend they're anywhere near fighting brain cancer - because they're not. And I'm not saying 'poor me' because of them. So many people have it so much worse than I ever have, but it doesn't change the fact that we're all struggling. We're all being tested in our own ways, & none of them are easy.

A year and a half ago, I had my gallbladder removed 3 days after my 14th birthday. I dropped out of 8th grade & had to homeschool for the rest of the year. Without going into a crazy number of medical details, basically I've struggled - badly - with my health since I was 11. I actually had my gallbladder & appendix removed in the same surgery just to make sure I wouldn't have anything else to come in for! For so many different reasons, I've had a ridiculous # of tests done - like a colonoscopy in 7th grade, HIDA scan in 8th, ultrasounds, x-rays, an insane # of blood tests - you name it! I also found out last December that I have a degenerative neurological muscular disorder called Charcot Marie-Tooth (try saying that 10 time fast!). My dad & my grandpa both have it, along with a couple of my aunts & uncles, & it's hereditary - so we always kind of figured I had it. But I had an intense spike in leg pain last year, so I started going to doctor's for it. The first one wasn't a "kid" specialist, he was just a general leg/feet doctor. Basically he told me that within a few years, I wouldn't be able to walk. I needed surgery to lengthen my calf & would eventually need to lengthen my Achilles, which is an even riskier procedure. I had the potential of my arch collapsing, hammer toes, curled fingers - you name it. He told me I had the joints of a 70 year old & it would only get worse, and that no matter what we did, the end result would be a wheelchair. 

Needless to say, I was pretty devestated after that first appointment. We were going to set me up for surgery but decided not to because I had just made the school play. We ended up meeting with a specialist at primary children's, and his answer was completely different - don't have surgery yet. Wait & see. He said my legs are messed up but they're nowhere near as bad as we thought. He recommended physical therapy & if all else fails, surgery. Mostly because you don't want to have scar tissue in your legs ever - especially when you're younger!

And so the first couple of months of 2015 (a.k.a. this year) were way hard. I was struggling with pain a good amount of the time, and my stomach health was still not 100%. I also wasn't eating gluten (oh, the stories. I was more of a mess than I thought) which was SO hard. I started therapy, but I also had 2 hour play practices after school everyday. I'd go to school for 7 hours, play practice for 2, & therapy for another 2 or 3 hours. I'd come home and fall asleep as soon as I sat down, so I'd end up doing homework in the middle of the night or during school. Me and my counselor became good friends, haha! I was a counselor aide first tri, so I called people to the counseling office & helped them file and sort different things. She helped me switch out of PE 2nd tri when I was struggling with my legs. I talked to her a couple of times about switching to half days of school. I was the kid who got pulled out of class by their counselor just so they could check up on how I was doing! At the end of the year, I received my grades in the mail. Somehow I managed to keep a 4.0 all year, even with an insane amount of absences & not being able to focus on what I was doing while I was there. The only way that happened was through a lot of prayer and a lot of faith that God would help me through it. On my own, I couldn't have kept up my grades. With God, I did. My counselor wrote on my grades how proud she was that I got my 4.0, which is something I still carry in the back of my mind. I didn't get a 4.0 because I'm the most brilliant student out there, I got it because I worked hard & God helped me out - a lot.

Even today, almost a year after the CMT stuff started, I take pain cream with me everytime I travel. I can't run a mile without having the craziest leg spasms and pain for days after. My calves are ridiculously buff (and guys, I am nowhere near a 'buff' person), & I have a pair of giant leg braces that I'm supposed to wear everyday, but I don't because they're annoying. Maybe it will come to a point where I have to, but being the stubborn & probably irresponsible teenager I am, I'll avoid it as long as I can. I can't do the hikes at girls camp & I have to take all the physical education classes online. I'm not in physical therapy right now, but I'm careful.

(Hello giant leg brace & high quality pic)

In case you made it through that ridiculous amount of medical information that I said I wouldn't put in there but clearly did anyways (sometimes it's a little unavoidable), here's my point - I've learned more than I've lost. It really hit me when I read that on Rachel's blog.

My family has struggled - my health has struggled - my friendships have struggled - & my faith has struggled. I've lost plenty. I've lost friends, family members, time & experiences I could've had. At times I've lost hope, faith, and even purpose. There have been points where I haven't been able to live a normal life, and even now it's a little bit different. I've even literally had blood and organs taken from me.

BUT, more than any of that, I've learned so much. I've learned that if you trust in God & lean on Him in every circumstance, He will provide & carry you through. I've learned that struggles are nothing to be ashamed of - I'm still learning that one! I didn't tell anyone when I was going through therapy or surgery, and the majority of people still don't know exactly what went down. I've always hated talking about any of it. Finally, I got over that - in a theater class with a group of kids that were all a year younger than me. I went up there & rambled for a solid 10 minutes about it (yes I was actually supposed to do that, don't worry, I'm not that weird) & it helped me realize that maybe I'm not my challenges - but at the same time, I am. Who I am today has been defined by my trials and struggles, and I'm honestly so proud to say that. There have been moments in the past couple of years where I couldn't see the point, and while I still don't understand it all, I know that through my trials God has made me so much better - so much stronger, and kinder, and more understanding. I'm less afraid and a little more hopeful. And I owe it to my trials and to God.

So, if you're struggling, here's my advice - have faith. Stay hopeful. Pray, all the time, and don't forget about your scriptures. Sometimes it may not seem like it, but God is good. And there will always be a reason for everything, even if you can't see it. Remember you are loved & remember there is always, always hope. And I know that if you trust in God, you will be able to come out of anything.

Because haven't we all truly learned more than we have lost?

-Savannah

Faith Value Project Ideas

To start out the month of personal progress, we'll be starting at the beginning of the values - faith! I want to share with you what I did for my project & other ideas of things you could do. I think the projects are one of the hardest but most fun parts of personal progress. You can do so much with them!

I completed my faith project in October 2013. I based it around general conference! To prepare, I bought a cute little notebook specifically for the conference. Then I decorated pages in the front of the notebook with pictures of all of the general authorities and little quotes from talks they had given.

(Once again - photo quality. I am so sorry!! I'll get better at this but I really wanted to get this post up, so I just used my phone again!)

I also had a page dedicated to quotes about faith (this was my faith project, after all!).

Then, during conference, I stayed awake & actually listened to all of the talks (something I do every time now!) and took notes for every speaker.

After conference, I went back through all of my notes and made goals for the next six months based on the prophet's counsel. I also wrote my thoughts on conference and my testimony of the truths that were spoken during it!

This was really a great project!! Before it, watching general conference was kind of a struggle for me. I definitely think it helped me realize the importance of conference! It also gave me answers that I so needed at that point in time. One of them was whether or not I should receive my patriarchal blessing - and I felt like it was a solid yes! I received it on November 10th, 2013.

If my project isn't really clicking with ya, here are a few more great ideas! (Faith was definitely one of the hardest values for me to find a project for.) Keep in mind that they need to total up to 10 hours:

*Write letters to missionaries

*Keep a scripture journal and write in it every day

*Memorize scripture masteries

*Memorize "The Living Christ"

*Memorize an inspiring poem

*Learn how to cross-stitch and make something that describes your feelings about the gospel

*Grow a garden

*Record stories from family or ward members who've demonstrated faith and compile a family history

*Create a website/blog featuring the YW values and your personal testimony (or an Instagram account!)

*Film interviews of friends and family members talking about their faith in Christ, then edit the video and set it to music

*Visit a church history location and create a scrapbook based on the trip, highlighting the faith of church members of that time period

*Write a book, play, song, short story or poem about faith

*Create a work of art that describes your feelings about the gospel

*Compile a family testimony book

*Sew scripture bags to give primary kids when they're baptized

*Make baptism books to give to primary kids when they're baptized

*Make a scrapbook about faith

(Disclaimer: I do not take credit for all of these ideas!! Huge shoutout to various websites & bloggers for 80% of these)

I hope you got a few ideas from this post!! Let me know if you like the formatting of it or if you would rather see these posts organized differently - I'm experimenting with it!

XOXO,

Savannah