"I have learned a lot more than I have lost." -Rachel Stratton
^^I don't know if you guys have heard of Rachel, but if you haven't - read her blog HERE. She was 20 years old & passed away last Sunday after fighting with brain cancer for 3 years. I didn't hear of her story until the day she passed, which is impressive considering her family lives only a little ways from mine. This week I've been reading through her blog. I'm only a year into it but I am so impressed with her spirit. I never had the opportunity to meet her, but through her writing you can feel her courage & strength & faith in and love for Christ. I have never been so impressed with someone.
It's made me think a lot about some of the things I've gone through. I won't pretend they're anywhere near fighting brain cancer - because they're not. And I'm not saying 'poor me' because of them. So many people have it so much worse than I ever have, but it doesn't change the fact that we're all struggling. We're all being tested in our own ways, & none of them are easy.
A year and a half ago, I had my gallbladder removed 3 days after my 14th birthday. I dropped out of 8th grade & had to homeschool for the rest of the year. Without going into a crazy number of medical details, basically I've struggled - badly - with my health since I was 11. I actually had my gallbladder & appendix removed in the same surgery just to make sure I wouldn't have anything else to come in for! For so many different reasons, I've had a ridiculous # of tests done - like a colonoscopy in 7th grade, HIDA scan in 8th, ultrasounds, x-rays, an insane # of blood tests - you name it! I also found out last December that I have a degenerative neurological muscular disorder called Charcot Marie-Tooth (try saying that 10 time fast!). My dad & my grandpa both have it, along with a couple of my aunts & uncles, & it's hereditary - so we always kind of figured I had it. But I had an intense spike in leg pain last year, so I started going to doctor's for it. The first one wasn't a "kid" specialist, he was just a general leg/feet doctor. Basically he told me that within a few years, I wouldn't be able to walk. I needed surgery to lengthen my calf & would eventually need to lengthen my Achilles, which is an even riskier procedure. I had the potential of my arch collapsing, hammer toes, curled fingers - you name it. He told me I had the joints of a 70 year old & it would only get worse, and that no matter what we did, the end result would be a wheelchair.
Needless to say, I was pretty devestated after that first appointment. We were going to set me up for surgery but decided not to because I had just made the school play. We ended up meeting with a specialist at primary children's, and his answer was completely different - don't have surgery yet. Wait & see. He said my legs are messed up but they're nowhere near as bad as we thought. He recommended physical therapy & if all else fails, surgery. Mostly because you don't want to have scar tissue in your legs ever - especially when you're younger!
And so the first couple of months of 2015 (a.k.a. this year) were way hard. I was struggling with pain a good amount of the time, and my stomach health was still not 100%. I also wasn't eating gluten (oh, the stories. I was more of a mess than I thought) which was SO hard. I started therapy, but I also had 2 hour play practices after school everyday. I'd go to school for 7 hours, play practice for 2, & therapy for another 2 or 3 hours. I'd come home and fall asleep as soon as I sat down, so I'd end up doing homework in the middle of the night or during school. Me and my counselor became good friends, haha! I was a counselor aide first tri, so I called people to the counseling office & helped them file and sort different things. She helped me switch out of PE 2nd tri when I was struggling with my legs. I talked to her a couple of times about switching to half days of school. I was the kid who got pulled out of class by their counselor just so they could check up on how I was doing! At the end of the year, I received my grades in the mail. Somehow I managed to keep a 4.0 all year, even with an insane amount of absences & not being able to focus on what I was doing while I was there. The only way that happened was through a lot of prayer and a lot of faith that God would help me through it. On my own, I couldn't have kept up my grades. With God, I did. My counselor wrote on my grades how proud she was that I got my 4.0, which is something I still carry in the back of my mind. I didn't get a 4.0 because I'm the most brilliant student out there, I got it because I worked hard & God helped me out - a lot.
Even today, almost a year after the CMT stuff started, I take pain cream with me everytime I travel. I can't run a mile without having the craziest leg spasms and pain for days after. My calves are ridiculously buff (and guys, I am nowhere near a 'buff' person), & I have a pair of giant leg braces that I'm supposed to wear everyday, but I don't because they're annoying. Maybe it will come to a point where I have to, but being the stubborn & probably irresponsible teenager I am, I'll avoid it as long as I can. I can't do the hikes at girls camp & I have to take all the physical education classes online. I'm not in physical therapy right now, but I'm careful.
In case you made it through that ridiculous amount of medical information that I said I wouldn't put in there but clearly did anyways (sometimes it's a little unavoidable), here's my point - I've learned more than I've lost. It really hit me when I read that on Rachel's blog.
My family has struggled - my health has struggled - my friendships have struggled - & my faith has struggled. I've lost plenty. I've lost friends, family members, time & experiences I could've had. At times I've lost hope, faith, and even purpose. There have been points where I haven't been able to live a normal life, and even now it's a little bit different. I've even literally had blood and organs taken from me.
BUT, more than any of that, I've learned so much. I've learned that if you trust in God & lean on Him in every circumstance, He will provide & carry you through. I've learned that struggles are nothing to be ashamed of - I'm still learning that one! I didn't tell anyone when I was going through therapy or surgery, and the majority of people still don't know exactly what went down. I've always hated talking about any of it. Finally, I got over that - in a theater class with a group of kids that were all a year younger than me. I went up there & rambled for a solid 10 minutes about it (yes I was actually supposed to do that, don't worry, I'm not that weird) & it helped me realize that maybe I'm not my challenges - but at the same time, I am. Who I am today has been defined by my trials and struggles, and I'm honestly so proud to say that. There have been moments in the past couple of years where I couldn't see the point, and while I still don't understand it all, I know that through my trials God has made me so much better - so much stronger, and kinder, and more understanding. I'm less afraid and a little more hopeful. And I owe it to my trials and to God.
So, if you're struggling, here's my advice - have faith. Stay hopeful. Pray, all the time, and don't forget about your scriptures. Sometimes it may not seem like it, but God is good. And there will always be a reason for everything, even if you can't see it. Remember you are loved & remember there is always, always hope. And I know that if you trust in God, you will be able to come out of anything.
Because haven't we all truly learned more than we have lost?
-Savannah
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