Lately

••I didn't have time to write a blog post today so I went through my drafts & found this that I never published! It's from the end of September & while a lot has changed since then, I think the message is the same thing I would give now. Today I'm grateful for change & for direction from God - I was going through a rough time when I wrote this & today I can proudly say that things are working out! Enjoy(; ••

Hey! It's been a little while! I feel like doing an update because the last month has been quite interesting.

First of all & on a very HAPPY note, we got a dog! His name is Toby Bartholomew Taylor & he's 9 weeks old. He is seriously the cutest thing ever!! He's a goldendoodle, which means he's a mix of a golden retriever and a poodle. Whoever decided to try that combo out was a genius because honestly... look at that.

I have never been a dog person but this little guy is converting me! We got him on Friday & having a puppy is kind of like having a newborn - seriously exhausting but so much fun!

I've also basically spent the month living in a 'flare-up' of CMT (I blogged a little about what CMT is in several of my past posts!). I think going up and down the stairs at school & starting play practice just triggered this reaction in me. I went to an eye specialist a week or two ago and turns out I need surgery on my right eye. I have a weak muscle/a slight lazy eye, and it's actually been affecting my vision the last couple of months. My parents really don't want to drive with me because I can't see the road or signs (; The eye doctor told me that I shouldn't be driving until I get my eye fixed - which stinks because it means I have to put off driver's ed. There's a couple of factors that go into this eye surgery - 1) They are cutting into my eye and that's like risking blindness no matter what, even though it is a tiny chance. Plus there is the fact that if I don't do the surgery at some point, I'm still risking going blind in that eye or seriously losing vision. Realistically there's a slim to none chance that I'll actually go blind, but that doesn't really change the fact that eye surgery sounds scary!! 

2) After the surgery my eye will be 100% bloodshot for anywhere from 1-2 months. That means that anything white in my eye will be red. I Googled pictures and guys, it's scary looking. The eye doctor straight up told me that no one will want to look at me for a couple months there. So that kind of changes when we do it! I could get it done over Christmas break & go to school with it - I turn 16 in February so then I would be able to drive when I actually should be able to! But I would go to school looking like a terrifying monster, & I don't know about you but I'm not really digging that option! I could also wait until the summer to do it, but then I'd have to deal with my vision even longer and put off driving until next August. I'm not too pumped about that either.

Here's the root of all of it though - they think my eye is lazy/weak because of my CMT. Apparently there is a certain type of CMT that can weaken your eye muscles. We aren't for sure that I have that type so I don't know if I want to go blaming it on that yet, buuut the reality is it's affecting more than I thought it would. The possibility of it affecting my eyes and my vision kind of makes me nervous. 

Back to what I was saying about the CMT flare-up - my eye is just a part of that. My calf muscles and my Achilles and my feet just hurt, so much of the time. I can't do the stairs at school so I had to get an elevator key, which so far I've been too stubborn to use. My hands and arms feel like they're on vibrate. My fingers clench sometimes and it feels like I can't pull them back up. I can't get my heel to hit the floor without serious strain, and really I'm just tired all the time.

I have an appointment at Shriner's Hospital in SLC in a couple of weeks, where they have CMT specialists. We're looking into different braces/surgeries/physical therapy - whatever options they have for us. At this point I am definitely willing to try surgery because I've heard good things about the procedure one of the doctors recommended. We would probably just do the eye and one of my leg surgeries around the same time if we decided that was an option. We're also looking at the possibility of homeschooling, because that would be the easiest with these potential surgeries & braces, & I'm really struggling with school right now. I don't really see homeschooling as a giving up option, more of a 'This is better' option. Honestly I'm happy with whatever is best.

And that's what I'm trying to say here - I have some fear. Fear that I can see the reality of the doctor who told me I probably wouldn't be able to walk at some point in my life. Fear of surgeries, and change, and actually having to deal with some things. But above all of that fear, I'm learning to find the faith. I can't do this by myself, and that's where Christ comes in. I truly believe that with Christ, I will be able to walk my whole life - if that's what I'm meant to do. Parts of my path may be tough but I'm learning to not be afraid of those pieces. I honestly have it so good compared to what it could be. Wherever my path takes me is okay, as long as I keep the Lord on my side.

I absolutely love this quote from Women's Conference & I think it's appropriate to end that topic with it!

{DeseretNews.com}

To end on a happier note, I finally finished up my job at the snowie stand 3ish weeks ago. I miss the money but not the job! (; I don't think my life calling is working in a snowie stand unfortunately, but it was a fun opportunity & not a bad way to spend the summer!

I'm also in our high school play - Footloose - & so far so good. I have a love hate relationship with theater but I'm honestly enjoying this one! There are so many good people in the show & I think it'll be a fun production. 

I think that's all on my end! Happy Tuesday & (almost!) happy October!!

-Savannah