This last month of starting school has been so hard on me. I'm a fan of high school for sure, but the walking & the stairs are murder on my legs. It's all caused this 'flare-up' of CMT (if you haven't read my 'Learned More Than Lost' post I highly recommend reading it first, so you're not totally confused(; ) that's lasted for the entire month and is still going strong. Basically it gives me really bad acid reflux by weakening my stomach muscles & causing a certain type of hernia (not the kind that needs surgery, honestly I'm not really sure how this all works!) that pushes up on my ribs & chest. It also weakens my hands and arms, so my fingers clench and my wrists hurt. I get seriously shaky so it feels like I'm on vibrate. Mostly though, it affects my legs. From my feet to my thighs, the pain ranges from electric to achy to 'how do I even walk right now'. I'm tired a lot of the time & in pain almost as often. Overcoming that mentally & getting up and going on with life when everything is screaming at me not to is incredibly hard! I for sure have good days & I have bad days, but it's learning to find a way to carry on & be happy through the rough ones. There were so many talks in conference about trials and being able to overcome them through Christ. This quote means worlds to me! He knows what each and every one of us is going through, and He is there through it all - if we're willing to turn to Him. Sometimes it feels like no one can really understand what having a disorder that affects your nerves is like, because it's not very visible. Unless you're wearing braces or a boot, no one can see what's wrong with you. Knowing that Christ understands & has been through everything we're going through is such a comforting thing!
So, with this CMT thing, I've been missing a ton of school & a lot of play practice. I really can't make it through a full day of school, I'm so tired & ready to be done by 4th hour, which has made me miss my 4th-6th hours wayyy more than I should be. The dancing at play practice was also really hard on me - one 2 hour play practice made me so sore, I missed 2 days of school. So, I've had to make a few decisions. One of those was to quit the play. I'm sad to be giving up something I love so much, but I know it's really the right thing to do. More than anything I feel peaceful about it, & I can't wait to see the finished show!
The other decision I made was to switch over to half days of school. This was a hard one. I dropped my first three hours, one of which was theater. That was a something I debated back and forth on for a long time! I LOVE that class. But. I fasted about it, prayed about it, & thought about it more than anything else, and I know this is what I need to do. I'll be taking all of my core classes online & going to school for the extra classes I can keep in the afternoon, like choir & seminary. I don't feel like this decision was out of my control, & I don't feel at all like I'm giving anything up by making it. I could've forced it & kept doing full days. I didn't want to. And I know that it's God's will that I be home part-time. Like the quote says - "The Lord will guide us to & through our next steps." This is my next step, & one I'm making with The Lord on my side. I'm so grateful to have that spiritual direction in my life - I don't know what I would do without it!!
Something I haven't been doing as much as I should be is trusting in the Lord! I was reminded of that this last week when I fasted & prayed about switching to half days. One thing I still struggle with & haven't done is read my scriptures!! For seminary we're supposed to be somewhere in Genesis, annnd I'm in Moses 3... Whoops. Conference reminded me that I need to get in shape & pick up my scriptures!
So, to sum up a beautiful conference with plenty of answers & words I needed to hear, I'll leave you with this quote from Koichi Aoyagi - "Put God first, regardless of the trials you face. Love God. Have faith in Christ, & entrust yourself to Him in all things." I promise your answers are in Christ. How lucky are we that we have modern revelation from God through our prophets & apostles?? Turn to Him, listen to His prophet's words, & you will find the peace you need!
-Savannah
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