This is one of those posts that I don't really want to write, but I feel like it's important to put out there. I've had this prompting to write it for quite a while, but I've been ignoring it! Clearly that's over and here I am!
Something I've been asking myself a lot lately is, "Why do I go to church?". I've been at this crossroad so many times already in my life, and I'm only 15! I don't think this is at all because the church isn't true. I think it's because the Lord needs youth who are so much stronger, so much sooner - and we become stronger through our trials. I know we do.
The past couple of Sunday mornings have kind of set me on edge. Let me explain this though! There are a few reasons that add up to this... 1) One of my callings in my ward is ward organist. I don't really like being the ward organist. Okay, let's be honest - I kind of hate it! It scares the heck out of me. Playing in front of a whole congregation of people on an instrument I'm not super comfortable with - though it is a lot like a piano, which is what I play - is so hard for me! I've had the calling for almost a year and it's still not something I feel great about. It doesn't help that both of my older brothers have been ward organists before/with me, and they have so much more experience than I do. I feel like I can't live up to that! Which is exactly why this calling is probably so great for me - I think it might just be helping me knock down my pride a little(; I think in the long run I'll be grateful for it, but there are definitely Sunday's where I have minor panic attacks over it. Playing the organ is not a big deal, but to me it kinda is!
Another thing I struggle with is young women's. I love my leaders! Every Sunday, they teach a lesson that is exactly on point with what I need. They're seriously so kind and great to work with, and I have loved being a Mia Maid. What I do struggle with is the other young women. The past couple of years I've felt really secure in my place in our young women's class. I had my two best friends who I've loved since 4th grade, and I stuck with them. Halfway through this year, we had a new young woman move into our ward. At first, nothing really changed. Then one of my friends started inviting her to parties, and everything else with her friends. I thought it was all good, because they were both in the grade above me and it made sense that they would be together. Then, at girls camp, I found myself seriously alone. The two of them went off alone in the tents, talking about their friends from school and the boys they liked. (Which was really annoying by the way) They didn't sit by me at meals or firesides. They didn't just ignore me and my other friend, though - they were unkind about it, too. It was so hard. Within a week, it felt like I had lost one of my best friends - mostly because I had! The Sunday after girls camp, I found myself sitting in the row behind them. I've always been one of those slightly annoying girls who sits in the front row, and for the first time in young women's, I was in the middle. It's so dumb, but it really hurt. We stopped talking to each other, sitting by each other - I felt replaced. I was pretty determined after that first Sunday that I wasn't going to come to young women's anymore. No big deal, right? Sacrament meeting was all I needed to be there for!
Here's the longgg story short - I kept going to young women's. And Sunday School. And sacrament meeting. And no, I was not released from playing the organ. I still sit in front of the congregation and play every other week, and I still sit in the second row in young women's. But why? Why would I do that when, let's be honest, it would probably be so much easier to ask to be released from the organ and just not show up to church?
The past couple of Sunday mornings have kind of set me on edge. Let me explain this though! There are a few reasons that add up to this... 1) One of my callings in my ward is ward organist. I don't really like being the ward organist. Okay, let's be honest - I kind of hate it! It scares the heck out of me. Playing in front of a whole congregation of people on an instrument I'm not super comfortable with - though it is a lot like a piano, which is what I play - is so hard for me! I've had the calling for almost a year and it's still not something I feel great about. It doesn't help that both of my older brothers have been ward organists before/with me, and they have so much more experience than I do. I feel like I can't live up to that! Which is exactly why this calling is probably so great for me - I think it might just be helping me knock down my pride a little(; I think in the long run I'll be grateful for it, but there are definitely Sunday's where I have minor panic attacks over it. Playing the organ is not a big deal, but to me it kinda is!
Another thing I struggle with is young women's. I love my leaders! Every Sunday, they teach a lesson that is exactly on point with what I need. They're seriously so kind and great to work with, and I have loved being a Mia Maid. What I do struggle with is the other young women. The past couple of years I've felt really secure in my place in our young women's class. I had my two best friends who I've loved since 4th grade, and I stuck with them. Halfway through this year, we had a new young woman move into our ward. At first, nothing really changed. Then one of my friends started inviting her to parties, and everything else with her friends. I thought it was all good, because they were both in the grade above me and it made sense that they would be together. Then, at girls camp, I found myself seriously alone. The two of them went off alone in the tents, talking about their friends from school and the boys they liked. (Which was really annoying by the way) They didn't sit by me at meals or firesides. They didn't just ignore me and my other friend, though - they were unkind about it, too. It was so hard. Within a week, it felt like I had lost one of my best friends - mostly because I had! The Sunday after girls camp, I found myself sitting in the row behind them. I've always been one of those slightly annoying girls who sits in the front row, and for the first time in young women's, I was in the middle. It's so dumb, but it really hurt. We stopped talking to each other, sitting by each other - I felt replaced. I was pretty determined after that first Sunday that I wasn't going to come to young women's anymore. No big deal, right? Sacrament meeting was all I needed to be there for!
Here's the longgg story short - I kept going to young women's. And Sunday School. And sacrament meeting. And no, I was not released from playing the organ. I still sit in front of the congregation and play every other week, and I still sit in the second row in young women's. But why? Why would I do that when, let's be honest, it would probably be so much easier to ask to be released from the organ and just not show up to church?
That's something I've been asking myself, too. It's something I had to ask myself that first Sunday, and pretty much every one after that. And I think I might have something resembling an answer.
I go to church because I know what it's like to not go. Last year, when I was so sick, I didn't go to church for almost 4 months. I didn't take the sacrament or participate in a young women's lesson for 16 Sunday's in a row. Do you even know how long that is?? And I felt it. Not taking the sacrament for that long changed my whole perspective on it. We need it, and we need to be there for it. And we need to be there for the talks and lessons, too. No matter how much you learn about the gospel, it will never be all there is to learn about it! There are so many precious truths & incredible testimonies and experiences you're missing out on when you're not at church.
I go to church because I know what it's like to not go. Last year, when I was so sick, I didn't go to church for almost 4 months. I didn't take the sacrament or participate in a young women's lesson for 16 Sunday's in a row. Do you even know how long that is?? And I felt it. Not taking the sacrament for that long changed my whole perspective on it. We need it, and we need to be there for it. And we need to be there for the talks and lessons, too. No matter how much you learn about the gospel, it will never be all there is to learn about it! There are so many precious truths & incredible testimonies and experiences you're missing out on when you're not at church.
So I guess the main reason I go is because I need it. As much as my pride wants to say that I don't, I do. I need my Savior and I need the gospel, and I can't make it without either. Friendships and feeling like you 'belong' or have a social place in young women's are all good things, but that's not why we're there. And it's not something that should determine whether you go to church or not. I've been learning that the hard way - some Sunday's I just don't really want to deal with anything, and I still leave after sacrament meeting. Which isn't GOOD but it's something I'm working on overcoming! You may not fit in with your Young Women's group but you are never alone when you rely on God. Don't go because you want to be accepted by others, go because it's what will make your life better. Going to church can be hard, but life is so much harder - especially without it!
-Savannah
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